It is the end of another January. I find myself locked away, facing the most unforgiving punishment any human being could possibly face: the “death penalty.” Consequently, I have just completed one of my many “mind clearing” observations of the outside world while looking out the 5 inch wide hole that suffices as my window. It is about 3 feet in length with bullet proof glass filing the narrow hole. It is not just another window to me as an average person might envision a window. These little peeks into the outside world happens to be a really big deal as well as a huge accomplishment of mine. An accomplishment that many others hope to attain one day.
When you are going through what I and so many others are going through on a daily basis, everything in life becomes enhanced and deeply appreciated; making this little 5 inch wide hole in my wall become more than a temporary escape inside my mind from this elegiac dungeon that is my reality
As I look outside my window, I notice how the snow is falling from the heavens, slanted to the direction that is my right, with the trees from the forest barely visible in the background. The entire wintry setting comes alive resembling a Hallmark greeting card in motion. During my continued quiet observation of nature’s wonderful attributes, the snow begins to slowly pile on the ground until the earth’s floor is nothing but a glittering, white surface untouched by trampling feet, untarnished by automobile fumes and tire marks, or made ugly by the daily operations of the unappreciative world. This visual masterpiece forces me to wonder, then bravely ask myself, how in the hell did I allow myself to get into a situation like this anyway?
I reside on the third floor of the building where I am being held captive. Whenever I look straight ahead out of my window without looking down towards the ground, I can easily see a few of the lighting poles that surround the institution and a small forest of leafless trees with touches of freshly fallen snow trimming the cold, empty branches. I am reminded of the emptiness that has crudely taken over my life without my permission.
When I first decided to write, the premise was going to be a daily recording of my everyday life on Ohio’s Death Row. After countless hours of carefully contemplating and brainstorming the idea, I decided that a daily journal by itself would fail to express, define, or capture the gravity of this situation that I (and others) are in currently. This is a direct result of the lack of little change on a day-to-day basis for a person sentenced to die. Every day in a place like this is very similar to the day before. Every day I feel emotionally strained.
I have gradually found through some of my own experiences and the careful observation of a few others I have daily contact with, most of our thoughts and feelings go on normal and abnormal roller coaster rides more frequently than I initially anticipated. One minute I can be feeling upbeat and motivated to extend my company to anyone available while ten minutes later I can feel as down, as low as human emotion will allow.
On the other hand, when you wake up in different spots, positions, or locations, seeing different walls from completely different angles, you first have to get acclimated to seemingly new surroundings before recognition is established. Not to mention the few moments of distraction trying to analyzer what is different about what you are seeing.
I know it is not much, but it is my own way of trying to deal with the realities of my situation that I know I will definitely have to face once my surroundings become more familiar. Those few moments of total mystification at the beginning of my days are a welcome distraction from having to carry the burden that is my death sentence on my conscience.
Because my situation can result in such a finality of my existence, I have to steal moments throughout the day to just let myself cry sometimes. There are days I feel like crying more than on other days. I have no problem relenting to the desire to cry on any given day. For a distraction, I try to find things that will temporarily occupy my mind and thoughts from visualising my lost future.
I have read a tone of books with a wide range of subjects to boast about. But none more than in the field of psychology. My hope, if it can be called as such, is to find out as much as I possibly can about the human mind in order to strengthen my own mind so that I will be better equipped and soundly prepared to deal with my current crisis. Also, as uncertain as my future may be, I find no clue as to the direction my life is headed. I believe it would be smart money and logical for me to prepare myself to handle any and all wonders life may have to offer. I know that my mission to one day liberate myself from the shackles of mental and physical confinement will never be accomplished if I allow myself to relax or become accustomed to or comfortable with despair.
I cannot accept becoming physically lax to the point that my body starts to interfere with my overall progression and ultimately manifest into another burden for me to regulate. This could possibly cause me to become a miserable, callous, unforgiving without a good word or thought for anyone around me, like so many people I come in contact with on a regular basis.Death Row, for me, has and continues to be a very strange place. Very frustrating, but at the same time an extremely fruitful experience for me that I have most definitely not taken lightly by any stretch of the imagination.
