The role of grandparents has always been important but with more of us relying on our parents to help out with childcare - one in four grandparents care for their grandchildren on a regular basis - grandparents are becoming more and more central to family life in the 21st century. However increased involvement can create complications so it's important to remember the relationship between ourselves and our parents (and our children and their grandparents) may need a little work from time to time, and sometimes we may encounter problems.
This page* explains a little more about why grandparenting is such an important role, as well as outlining some of the potential problems grandparents and parents may encounter along the way.
Adjusting to new family relationships
You may have enjoyed many years of not relying on your parents – for money, time, wisdom, support. So it can come as a shock to find that, now you’ve got children of your own, you actually need your parents again. For the grandparents, too, it can be an eye-opener. Being responsible but not ‘in charge’ is a delicate operation. Then again there is the issue of what you can reasonably expect of your parent as a grandparent. Can you assume they’ll want to do childcare for free and whenever; is it all negotiable? Is it ok to expect them to arrange their holidays so they can go with you on family excursions to give you some free time with your partner?
Suddenly, in many ways, you’re back in a mutually reliant relationship where each side has power and vulnerability. And neither side is used to that old trading relationship.No wonder, then, that relationships take a while to settle down and some never feel fully comfortable. Most families where the extended relationships ‘work’, though, think it’s worth plodding on, even in the phases when the going gets tough and the rewards don’t seem worth the effort.
Setting good examples, providing support
A survey found that more than half of adults in the UK said they had learnt respect and manners from their grandparents. Almost as many said their grandparents had shown them the difference between right and wrong. So, if for some reason you can’t get your parents or parents-in-law involved with your new family or it all seems too tricky, you may be depriving your children of important role models.
Equally, grandparents provide continuity and ‘back-up’ when things go wrong. Children are acutely aware of how well-supported their parents are – and become extremely concerned when they feel their parents are made vulnerable by divorce, job loss, debt, etc. Grandparents can form a stable safety net which makes the world a safer place.
Dealing with generational differences
There’s no ignoring the problems, though. Another survey said that: "Despite the fact that many parents are forced to use grandparents for childcare for financial reasons, there are concerns about the generational differences in bringing up their children. Over a third (35%) of parents said that the main drawback of using grandparents for childcare is that their parents have different rules/standards for their children. One in five (19%) stated that their parents often find it difficult to accept the way they choose to bring up their children and a further 15% disliked the facts that their parents discipline their children differently to them."
One way of dealing with generational differences is to acknowledge to your parents and parents-in-law that their new role is a role and brings with it difficulties as well as delights. And that you’re all ‘in it’ together and can solve what comes along. Calling a family meeting can be a great way to get the issues out on the table and look at solutions together. It may not be your usual way of working things out, but it could pay dividends. And remember that, in the end, you’re in charge; they’re your children, not your parents or parents-in-law’s children. You don’t have to lose your rag in order to stay in charge – you just are in charge! But you can, like the Chief Executive that you are, listen to all opinions and nod and say, "That’s worth thinking about." And, you never know, it might even turn out to actually be "worth thinking about"...
